Joke of the day

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch
In a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer
Came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy.He hitched buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "pull, buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "pull, coco,
Pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "pull, buddy,
Pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out
Of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very
Curious.

 He asked the farmer why he called his
Horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he
Was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:

When I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

One pupil anwers: It's the past of course.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having  trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"    
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the  third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think  I should be in the third-grade too!"    
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy.  waited in the outer office, the teacher  explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms  Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his  questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.    Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed  to take the test.    
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"    Boy.: "9".    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"    Boy.: "36".    
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade  should know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam  and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I  ask him ?"    
The principal and Boy. both agree.    
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?    
Boy., after a moment "Legs."    
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"    
Boy.: "Pockets."    
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,  delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?    
Boy.: Coconut    
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?  
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,  
Boy. was taking charge.    
Boy.: Bubblegum    
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a  dog does on three legs?  
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the  answer...    
Boy.: Shake hands    
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?    
Boy.: Yep.      
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie  me down to get me  up. I get wet before you do.    
Boy.: Tent    
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me  when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The  Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large  Patiala Vodka peg.    
Boy.: Wedding Ring        
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,  I drip. When you  blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose        
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.  I come with a  quiver.    
Boy.: Arrow        
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in  'K' that means lot  of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck        
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in  'K' & if u dont  get  it u have to use ur hand.    
Boy.: Fork        
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's  longer on some  men  than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man  gives it to his
wife  after they're married?    
Boy.: SURNAME        
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has  muscles, has lots  of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making  love ?    
Boy.: HEART.        
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to  the teacher,"Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last  ten questions  wrong myself!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "i should be in charge, because i run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because i pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because i process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because i'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the world famous international institute of answering machine answers:
1.) My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.

2.) A is for academics, b is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3.) Hi, this is john: if you are the phone company, i already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, i have plenty of money.

4.) Hi. Now you say something.

5.) Hi, i'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6.) Hello. I am david's answering machine. What are you?

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, i"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, i'll call sooner.

8.) Hi, john's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while i write down the message and i'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where i can reach you, and i'll think about returning your call.

11.) Hi. I am probably home, i'm just avoiding someone i don't like. Leave a message and if i don't call back, it's you.

12.) Hi, this is george. I'm sorry i can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until i call you back.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

14.) Hello, you've reached jim and carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and i like doing it left to right... Real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A letter has been sent from a husband:

    Dear Sweetheart:

    I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.

    Your Loving Husband,

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

    Dearest sweetheart,

    Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

    1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
    2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
    3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
    4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
    5. Other expenses 40 kisses

    Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

    Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

    Your Sweet Heart.

AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!..........LOLZ........THAS FUNNY :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D