Baharain Aa Hi Jaayengi ...... !!!

by Talat on February 24, 2009, 06:06:54 PM
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Talat
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«Reply #60 on: March 04, 2009, 04:54:09 PM »
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Sajid Ji,

Aapka bhi bohot Shukriya, aapne is thread main, iss discussion main hissa liya Usual Smile
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Talat
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«Reply #61 on: March 04, 2009, 05:01:39 PM »
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Kaash Ji,

Shukriya aap ki taareef ka, hausla afzaai ka.  icon_flower

Agar chahti to yahi discussion PM main kar sakti thi...Par mujhe laga ki is tarah open thread main likhne se baaqi doston ko bhi seekhne ko milega...aur yahi to Yoindia ki koshish hai ki hum yahan seekhe aur sikhaayen. Usual Smile


Aapka shukriya, aapne islaah ke taur pe jo mera first sher phir se likha hai...

Mujhe aapka ye suggestion bada achcha laga:


Dheere dheere marasim sanwar hi jaayenge  

Doosre sher ke liye main abhi bhi satisfied nahin hoon...Pehli line main Marasim ki baat hai to doosri line ka isse connection hona chahiye.

Maine ye socha hai:


Dheere Dheere Marasim Sanwar Hi Jaayenge
Guzre Haadson Se Dil Ubhar Hi Jaayenge

Ab aap sabhi dost, Mayank Ji, Kaash Ji..aur bhi dost batayen mujhe ki kya theek rahega...aap log bhi suggestion dijiye, taaki main Apni ghazal ko mukammal kar sakun Usual Smile

Shukiya,

Talat
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aaina
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«Reply #62 on: March 04, 2009, 11:00:23 PM »
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salam cerlmira ji sabse pehle to aapko bhut bhut mubarak ho ke aapne bhut achi ghazal kahi hai, jiska matal chaand ki tarhan chamak rha hai..........bhut khoob,
ek bhut hi khaas baat wo ye ke aapne likha hai ke mai ye sab pm mai bhi pooch sakti thi but aisa isliyn kiya hai ki dosre logon ko jo ki is silsile mai koi confusion rakhte hain madad mil sake, aafree.n aisa bhut kam hota hai, waise to mefil ke aadab ye hain ke agr aap kisi ko kuch batana chahte hain to mehfil se hat kar bataiye jisse ke (jisko aap bata rhe hain yaani tok rahe hain) usko bura na lage, aisa apne bado se suna hai, lakin chunki aapne open thread mai ek salwaal kiya tha to uska jawab mayank ji ne bhut khoobi se dia hai, mayank ji ka jitna shukriya aapko ada karna chahiye utna hi unko bhi jo log is conversation se mustafeez ho rhe hain,
apko ek baar phir mubarak baad is baat ki apne itna hosala dikhya ki jo cheez apko maloom nhi hai wo aapne open thread mai poochi, bhut kam log aisa karte hain...........apni ghazal ke liyn daad qubool karain, Allah paak hame bhi acha likhne ki toufeeq ata farmaye,

Allah hafiz
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divyam
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«Reply #63 on: March 05, 2009, 10:04:01 AM »
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Quote from: Celmira on March 04, 2009, 05:01:39 PM




Dheere Dheere Marasim Sanwar Hi Jaayenge
Guzre Haadson Se Dil Ubhar Hi Jaayenge


Talat jee aap agar duusre misre(line) par Gaur farmaaye.ngi,to aap ko us me.n grammatical mistake nazar aayega.....

Guzre haadso.n se dil ubhar hi jaaye.nge...

yahaa.n par, aap kahti ki "guzre haadso.n se dil ubhar hi jaayega' tab yeh sahii thaa, par radeef ka taqaaza hai ki aap ko 'hi jaayenge' istemaal karna hai.. aur pahle misre me.n bhi marasim ka sanwarna koii khaas asar paida nahii.n kar raha hai.......

aap is sher ko is tarah kar ke deihiye.......

dheere dheere marasim sudhar hi jaayenge
guzre haadso.n se ham ubhar hi jaaye.nge...

khaiye, kyaa khayaal hai?

Mayank Usual Smile
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Talat
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«Reply #64 on: March 05, 2009, 01:52:33 PM »
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Quote from: aaina on March 04, 2009, 11:00:23 PM
salam cerlmira ji sabse pehle to aapko bhut bhut mubarak ho ke aapne bhut achi ghazal kahi hai, jiska matal chaand ki tarhan chamak rha hai..........bhut khoob,
ek bhut hi khaas baat wo ye ke aapne likha hai ke mai ye sab pm mai bhi pooch sakti thi but aisa isliyn kiya hai ki dosre logon ko jo ki is silsile mai koi confusion rakhte hain madad mil sake, aafree.n aisa bhut kam hota hai, waise to mefil ke aadab ye hain ke agr aap kisi ko kuch batana chahte hain to mehfil se hat kar bataiye jisse ke (jisko aap bata rhe hain yaani tok rahe hain) usko bura na lage, aisa apne bado se suna hai, lakin chunki aapne open thread mai ek salwaal kiya tha to uska jawab mayank ji ne bhut khoobi se dia hai, mayank ji ka jitna shukriya aapko ada karna chahiye utna hi unko bhi jo log is conversation se mustafeez ho rhe hain,
apko ek baar phir mubarak baad is baat ki apne itna hosala dikhya ki jo cheez apko maloom nhi hai wo aapne open thread mai poochi, bhut kam log aisa karte hain...........apni ghazal ke liyn daad qubool karain, Allah paak hame bhi acha likhne ki toufeeq ata farmaye,

Allah hafiz

Bohot bohot shukriya Aslam Ji, aapne itni hausl-afzaai ki....!! Aapne padha, pasand kiya aur apne comments likhe, aapki shukrguzar hoon !
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Talat
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«Reply #65 on: March 05, 2009, 02:11:33 PM »
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Quote from: Ghaafil on March 05, 2009, 10:04:01 AM
Talat jee aap agar duusre misre(line) par Gaur farmaaye.ngi,to aap ko us me.n grammatical mistake nazar aayega.....

Guzre haadso.n se dil ubhar hi jaaye.nge...

yahaa.n par, aap kahti ki "guzre haadso.n se dil ubhar hi jaayega' tab yeh sahii thaa, par radeef ka taqaaza hai ki aap ko 'hi jaayenge' istemaal karna hai.. aur pahle misre me.n bhi marasim ka sanwarna koii khaas asar paida nahii.n kar raha hai.......

aap is sher ko is tarah kar ke deihiye.......

dheere dheere marasim sudhar hi jaayenge
guzre haadso.n se ham ubhar hi jaaye.nge...

khaiye, kyaa khayaal hai?

Mayank Usual Smile



Mayank Ji,

Maine likha ki Guzre haadson se dil ubhar hi jaayenge ... yahan Dil ko as singular nahin plural hi likha tha...........jaise ki ye bhi keh sakte hain ki "Dil toot-ta hai" aur ye bhi ki "Dil toot-te hain" ... "Dil milta hai" ya "Dil milte hain" ........yaani Dil ko as singular ya plural dono tarah se istemaal karte dekha hai......Is nazariye se mere sher main mujhe 'grammatical error" nazar nahin aata.....

Lekin, aapne jo mashwara diya hai:

"Guze Haadson Se Hum Ubhar Hi Jaayenge" ye behtar nazar aata hai !!

Ab agar pehle misre ki baat karen, to jab maine ye ghazal likhi thi...tab mere zehan main bhi aaya tha ki likhun:

Dheere dheere marasim sudhar hi jaayenge

Lekin phir mujhe lafz "sudhar" kuch theek nahin laga......ye lafz aam bolchaal main zyada use hota hai e:g "Log sudharte nahin" ya "ab to sudhar jaao" !! Magar is lafz main wo sheerin ya wo baat nahin........Isiliye "marasim ka sudharna" aam bolchaal main to theek lagta hai, magar shayari main mujhe kuch janch nahin raha...aur yahi wajah hai ki maine ise shaamil nahin kiya tha jab ghazal likhi thi.....!!

Aap ki kya raaye hai ?


Talat
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divyam
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«Reply #66 on: March 05, 2009, 02:52:12 PM »
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Mayank Ji,

Maine likha ki Guzre haadson se dil ubhar hi jaayenge ... yahan Dil ko as singular nahin plural hi likha tha...........jaise ki ye bhi keh sakte hain ki "Dil toot-ta hai" aur ye bhi ki "Dil toot-te hain" ... "Dil milta hai" ya "Dil milte hain" ........yaani Dil ko as singular ya plural dono tarah se istemaal karte dekha hai......Is nazariye se mere sher main mujhe 'grammatical error" nazar nahin aata.....

aap ki baat apne jagah biklul sahii hai, par, mere uljahan ki wazah , aapke misre me.n khayaal zeyadaah saaf nahii.n hona tha, jis ki wazah se maine   aitraaz zaahir kiyaa.....  Usual Smile

Quote
Lekin, aapne jo mashwara diya hai:


"Guze Haadson Se Hum Ubhar Hi Jaayenge" ye behtar nazar aata hai !!

shukriyah!

Quote
Ab agar pehle sher ki baat karen, to jab maine ye ghazal likhi thi...tab mere zehan main bhi aaya tha ki likhun:

Dheere dheere marasim sudhar hi jaayenge

Lekin phir mujhe lafz "sudhar" kuch theek nahin laga......ye lafz aam bolchaal main zyada use hota hai e:g "Log sudharte nahin" ya "ab to sudhar jaao" !! Magar is lafz main wo sheerin ya wo baat nahin........Isiliye "marasim ka sudharna" aam bolchaal main to theek lagta hai, magar shayari main mujhe kuch janch nahin raha...aur yahi wajah hai ki maine ise shaamil nahin kiya tha jab ghazal likhi thi.....!!

Talat jee,marasim sanwarne se zeyaadah asardaar mujhe marasim sudharna laga.Usual Smile aur maine faqat 2 kauDi ki ek suurat pesh ki hai, :)aur aap yaqeenan is se behtar soch sakti hai.n kyun ki mujhe pata hai aap me.n woh qaabiliyat hai...Usual Smile


Quote
Aap ki kya raaye hai ?

aap ka jawaab dekh kar khushii huii , aur koii sevaa ho to bataaiyegaa...Usual Smile

Mayank



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Talat
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«Reply #67 on: March 05, 2009, 05:19:59 PM »
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Mayank Ji,

Aap ki baat mere liye "do kaudi" nahin, anmol hai...Aapne itna waqt yahan diya, mujhe samjhane main...is liye thanks kehna bhi bohot chhota lagta hai...Bohot bohot shukriya.

Aap mujhse zyada aur behtar samajhte hain shayari ko...so agar aapka sochna hai ki ye sher behtar hai:

Dheere Dheere Marasim Sudhar Hi Jaayenge
Guzre Haadson Se Hum Ubhar Hi Jaayenge

to yahi behtar hoga...Aap ka kaha sar aankhon pe !   icon_salut icon_salut

Shukriya aur nawazish,

Talat
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divyam
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«Reply #68 on: March 09, 2009, 05:04:49 PM »
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Quote from: Celmira on March 05, 2009, 05:19:59 PM
Mayank Ji,

Aap ki baat mere liye "do kaudi" nahin, anmol hai...Aapne itna waqt yahan diya, mujhe samjhane main...is liye thanks kehna bhi bohot chhota lagta hai...Bohot bohot shukriya.

Aap mujhse zyada aur behtar samajhte hain shayari ko...so agar aapka sochna hai ki ye sher behtar hai:

Dheere Dheere Marasim Sudhar Hi Jaayenge
Guzre Haadson Se Hum Ubhar Hi Jaayenge

to yahi behtar hoga...Aap ka kaha sar aankhon pe !   icon_salut icon_salut

Shukriya aur nawazish,

Talat

Talat jee,

hello.Usual Smile

maine yeh kab kaha ki yeh suurat behtar hai, mai.n bas ek suurat pesh ki hai.. Usual Smile aap khud bhi khyaal kare.ngi aur bhii behtar suurate.n aap ko mil jaaye.nge...

izzat afzaai ke liye shukriyah Usual Smile

aap se phir mulaaqaat hogii...

Mayank
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Talat
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«Reply #69 on: March 09, 2009, 05:19:02 PM »
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Mayank Ji,

Aap ki hausla afzaai ka bohot bohot shukriya. Aapse bohot kuch seekhne ko mila hai.

Talat
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