Laughter Khazana

by qqplus on July 07, 2005, 02:28:03 AM
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Aadab doston,
Ye rahe aap ke liye beshumaar jokes. Padhiye aur hasiye.


Benefits Of Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tony was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tony, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tony responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

A Pious Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"



"It's so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals.
They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb."
- Ellen DeGeneres



Sports Fanatic

My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn tee shirts, caps and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization.

My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner; you'll have to wear a sports jacket.

My son answered, "Which team?"



No E-Mail Address

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at the minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours, that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address, you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes and makes a 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken down pickup truck. At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep the books for him. By the end of the second year, he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have the time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.



Good News / Bad News

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood tests came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 140."



Tales Of Tech Support

A woman called the printing help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows'. The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

_________________________________________

Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "'P' on your computer, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

_________________________________________

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

_________________________________________

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

_________________________________________

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

_________________________________________

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet".

_________________________________________

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."

_________________________________________

Tech Support: "Alright, now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to -"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, why don't you click on the 'Little Picture' of a file cabinet. Is 'little picture' okay?"
Customer: (click).

_________________________________________

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File', then 'New Game'."
Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn to do that?"

Grief Stricken

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.

His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband!"

Try It Yourself First

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

What To Charge?

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant!"

Girl: "Oh, you'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

Broke Down

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about what the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."


ROlce Royce vs Yugo


A guy driving a Yugo (an infamously bad, cheap, tiny econo car) pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?"


------


a lady is on her way when she comes across an angel. she grants him three wishes on the condition that her husband will get ten times more than what she will. the lady agrees.

lady,"my first wish-make me the most beautiful lady."

angel,"do u know this will make ur husband the most handsome person and many girls will die on him?"

lady,"ya, that's ok 'coz i'll be the most beautiful lady and his eyes will be only on me. my second wish-make me the richest person."

angel,"this will make ur husband ten times richer."

lady,"that's ok as what is mine is his and vice-versa. my third and last wish-i want a mild heart attack!"


-----------

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.



Regards,
AJO.
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