Ab Hamen Tata Ka Tohfa, Khushnuma Mil Jaayega*****Satish Shukla 'Raqeeb'

by Satish Shukla on June 22, 2011, 10:46:21 AM
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Satish Shukla
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ab hameN tata ka tohfa, khushnuma mil jaayega
ik ratan, khwab-e-RATAN ka dilruba mil jaayega

har jawaaN, bachche wa boodhe, mard yaa khaatoon ko
sair kee khaatir khilauna, ab bada mil jaayega

paaNch fut chaudee hai ye, lambaaee gyarah ke kareeb
tank pandrah liter ka, is meN laga mil jaayega

khidkiyaaN haiN, kursiyaaN bhee, chhat bhee hai thodee zameeN
laakh meN, ye bhaagne waala quila mil jaayega

chilchilaatee dhoop ho yaa, sardiyoN kee subho shaam
shukriya tata hameN, saadhan naya mil jaayega

chaar pahiya khwaab the, par ab naheeN rah jaayeNge
thaa kise maaloom aaisa, rahnuma mil jaayega

har badee motor kaa maalik, rashq se dekhega jab
bheed meN NANO ko pahle, raastaa mil jaayega

kaun jaane, kis galee meN, kab kahaaN mud jaaye ye
fir kisee ko kya khabar, kisko pata mil jaayega

tod kar signal jo aayaa, kya use dekha 'Raqeeb'
laal battee kaa sipaahee, poochhata mil jaayega

                             --- Satish Shukla 'Raqeeb'
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«Reply #1 on: June 25, 2011, 06:09:48 PM »
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Raqeeb saheb,Maafi chaahta hoo.n.Idhar kuchh masroofiyat ke sabab chook ho gayee.Koshish rahti hai ki din mein 2-3 baar online karte waqt sabhi naye kalaam parh loon.Aur khaas kar bahr mein kahe gaye kalaam zaroor padhta hoon.Aap ke khatte-meethe ashaar par mabni gahzal khoobsoorat hai.Mamtaji aur Ratan Tata dono.n ko aapne kuchh sochne par majboor kiya hai.Teesre sheir mein shaaid typing error ho gai hai.Check kar lijiyega.Khuda aap ko khush rakhhe... Hasan
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Satish Shukla
Khususi Shayar
*****

Rau: 51
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Waqt Bitaya:
25 days, 6 hours and 15 minutes.

Posts: 1862
Member Since: Apr 2011


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«Reply #2 on: June 26, 2011, 04:55:02 AM »
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Hasan Sahab,

Jawab dene ka bahut bahut shukriya..

Main khud bhee koshish karta hoon ke
jo shayar behr men kahte hain unhen
niymit roop se padhta rahoon aur new
comers ka bhee hausala badhata rahoon.

Teesare she'r waalee baat ka khulasa
karenge to behtar hoga PM ke dwara
waise hindi men bhee post kee hai ye
nazm aur is she'r men NANO CAR ke
specifications batane kee koshish kee
hai aapkee salaahiyat ka muntzir hoon.
PM ka intzaar rahega.

Satish Shukla 'Raqeeb'

 
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«Reply #3 on: June 26, 2011, 06:57:00 AM »
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Satish ji,Mai.n  bahro.n ke baare mei.n bahut zyada to nahii.n jaanta hoo.n,na yeh kah sakta hoo.n ki Hindi shairi mei.n kin cheezon ki ijazat hai,lekin mujhe laga ki aap ne yeh Ghazal Bah'r Ramal Musamman Mahzuuf mei.n kahi hai.yaani aawazon ke utar chadhao ke mutaabiq 2122,2122,2122,212 ke frame mein.Aap ke deegar ash'aar to is frame mei.n hai.n lekin TANK PANDRAH LITER KA IS MEn LAGA MIL JAAYEGA [ 21212(or 2122),12222122212 ]ke frame main hai jo meri naaqis raai mein shaaid ghalat hai.Agar mai.n ghalat hoo.n ,ya hindi mei.n ghazal mein kee gai taqtee ki ijazat hai to mai.n nahi.n kah sakta.Issi khayal se maine tashweesh zaahir kee thi ki shaaid typing error ho gai ho.Agar mai.n ghalat hoo.n to maazirat chaahoo.nga aur saath hi ummeed karoonga ki sahi position ki wazaahat ho sake.khair andesh, Hasan 
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Satish Shukla
Khususi Shayar
*****

Rau: 51
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Waqt Bitaya:
25 days, 6 hours and 15 minutes.

Posts: 1862
Member Since: Apr 2011


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«Reply #4 on: June 26, 2011, 07:59:51 AM »
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Hasan Sahab,

Aapne sahee farmaya, lekin jab koyee ulternate
naheen mila aur wo baat kahnee bahut zaroohee bhee
lagee to ise nazar andaz kar diya gaya, doosree baat
ye ki ye nazm hai aur jis tarah sehra kahne men ye
dhyan rakhte hain ki kam se kam rythm na toote aur
padhne men flow bana rahe to chal jaata hai( kayee
ustad shayaron ke likhe sehre maine padhe hain, yeh
maankar ki jab proper noun bahut jyada hain to koyee
doosra vikalp bhee naheen hai)

Waise to is nazm ka maqta bhee abhee modify karna hain
 
Agar aapko Indian Stock Market ke baare men kuchh
jaankaaree ho to bataiyega maine ek aur experiment
kiya hai.


Fir milte hain kabhee isee tarah..

Raqeeb
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«Reply #5 on: June 26, 2011, 12:10:40 PM »
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Satish ji,Shukraguzaar hoon ki aap ne mujhe funny baareekiyon se muta'arrif karaya.Jaisa ki main pehle bhi arz kar chuka hoon mujhe shaairi ke beshtar pahluo.n ka ilm nahii.n hai.Ghazal sabse aasaan sinf lagti hai ,issliye issi mein kabhi kabhie tabaa aazmai kar leta hoo.n woh bhi amateurs aur immatures kii tarah.Aap ne apni nazm ki taraf tawajjo dilaai thhi, padhi,achhi lagi-aur jo cheez khatki wo ishaaratan batla di.Aap ne wazaahat talab ki to mai.n ne tafseel mein zikr kar diya.Mere bhai,mai.n na khud ko tanqeed o tabsire ke qaabil samajhta hoo.n na aisa koi irada thha.Jis dostana andaz mein aap ne apni nazm padhne ko kaha ussi andaaz mein maine eik sheir mein kami ki taraf ishara kar diya.Aisa lagta hai ki aap ne ise achha nahii.n mahsoos kiya.Muazirat khwaah hoo.n.Ummeed hai aap faraakh dili ka suboot dei.nge.Wassalaam,Hasan 
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